Tx Diva Home_in the news

Mom, Pleeeeeeezz, Go to the Dressing Room

“David , so what do I need for this duck/ goose hunt?

Neoprene Waders?…….. Neon What? Synthetic rubber? “

“Well, that does not sound very comfortable or fashionable. So you are telling me, that I have to wear a rubberized body bag?”

“ Yes, of course, I want to be dry, warm and impenetrable.

Wait, impenetrable? What is going to penetrate them? Creatures! What kind of creatures? Okay, well what do they look like? No the creatures!”

“So what do these neoprene waders look like? Are they cool looking?”

Maybe they will make me look like Haley Berry in a sleek black cat suit?

“Well of course, I know it is not about what you look like. Yes, I know it is all about function… Jeez, David, give me a little credit.”

Dumb guys, of course it is all about how you look.

“Say, I wonder if they come with mink liners or better yet……beaver. Now that would be a wader. Well, don’t laugh, why wouldn’t it work? Beavers hang out in water, making dams, swimming around and doesn’t the water just roll off their back?”

Seems pretty logical to me.

“ I bet you could even make them reversible. Think of that…….stylish, warm, water repellant, and form fitting, to show off those girlish curves while still being functional. Function and form, the perfect combination.”

And who says I do not understand anything about hunting. And they say gurls are dumb!

In the aisles of Academy, David, begins rummaging through the boxes.

“Men’s large, Men’s X large, Men’s, extra long. Men’s men’s mens………”ummmmmmmmmmmm

“Honey? Where is the woman section?”

What! There is NO woman’s section for this sort of garment. Beaver lined or otherwise? Okay, well, I wear mens jeans so lets just go with a small.

“Let’s look for a men’s small, maybe X small”.

I mean it is just one long, piece of green or camo looking saran wrap. “

“Ahhhhha, here we go, try these on, said David “

I sit down in the isle, take off my boots and slide my feet into the attached booties. Jimmying them up over my pants………..darn………stuck….can’t get these darn things up. No really it is the pants that are in the way.

Okay now, what kind of hunter would have smaller thighs than me?

Everyone knows that hunters are big burly guys with thunder thighs, gnarly hands and large biceps built like pipes!

“These stupid things are mis-sized David!. Probably made in Taiwan by some mis-informed Taiwanese as to the proper physique for this “manly” sport. Dumb Taiwanese. “

I look at David for those special words of encouragement and affirmation.

Yep stupid Taiwanese manufacturers, obviously mis marked Honey cuz you are definitely an extra small

Instead, you hear,

“Oh Boy! Umm, that is not good, let’s try the small. ”

With wounded ego, you peel off the extra small and look at the box.

“Oh, well that explains it! David, look, the box says, Extra Extra Small! “

Holy Cow! See! There is no shame in not fitting into an Extra Extra small. You would be too small to see over the blind and too small to hold the gun.

Okay, let’s try this again. Small it is. Back on the floor, one foot at a time into the booties. Okay, we are up to the thighs again.

Stuck! Can’t be. I know I am a small, by anyone standards!! IAM going to get these blasted Taiwanese, thigh busting waders on. Both of my boys are staring at my gyrations, I assure them that they are stuck on my pants, not on my thighs.

I wiggle to the left, pull and yank on the right, wiggle to the right and pull to the left.

Lord have mercy! I WILL GET THESE UP! I am a men’s small after all.

As I wiggle and writhe in the middle of the isle at Academy. My son sitting on the sidelines screams

“Mom go to the dressing room!!!… people are staring!! “

“Oh please, like they have never seen a grown woman struggle with Neoprene waders before.”

Okay well he may have a point but I am too far into this exercise to stop now, besides, I can’t get up and walk at this point, these darn things are lodged between my knees, stuck on the pocket of my pants……... okay….. okay not on the pocket..

I look pleadingly to David for help. He sees my dilemma. He hoists me up like a stuffed sausage. Once vertical, teetering, he turns me around…back to front, he grabs either side of the waders and says“

“ Hold on. “

BOING BOING BOING… with my feet off the floor I bounce up and down jamming my feet into the booties. Little by little, I make clearance over, well you know.

Walla I am over the pockets (thigh) section and have now made contact with the waist. IAM A SMALL! Yee of little faith. No shame in that size. Right?

My son, cringing in the corner and between clinched teeth

“MOM!!!, don’t you think you should go to the dressing room for that?”

“ Why? How do they look?”

“Yummmmmy ….very nice! David says. Those fit you perfectly!”

But something doesn’t feel quite right. Then I realize what it is. There is a large wad of material between my legs. I look down and yep, there it is.

“David, look! What is this? These must be defective.”

“No, they are all like that, mine do the same thing.”

“Well doesn’t that bother you? Give me another one of your bungee cord pulls. This will drive me crazy.”

We probably just didn’t get them into the right place. One more good hank should do it.

Up we go, BOING BOING BOING. Nope, no luck. My son, at this point is beside himself.”

“Moooooooooooooom. Jeez, pleeeeeeeeeeeeze go to the dressing room? You are embarrassing me. Everyone is staring and laughing.”

“Honey, I am more concerned with the defective nature of these waders. Look, it is still there. Don’t you all see it?”

And then it all becomes clear. Large as life… for a man that it is. You do not pack that extra punch in that particular place. Therefore… NOT a perfect fit.

Well, if I were designing these things, I would have accounted for the proper inseam, and bit of a nip in the waist to accentuate that gurly figure, maybe a stylish belt to accessorize.

Oh yeah, these are MENS, there are NO WOMANS waders or hunting section;, no nip, no belt, no darts and no mink or beaver lining.

“I wonder if my alteration lady could fix them?”

The boys roll their eyes.

“GURLZS! David says, they will be just fine. No one will be looking.”

Okay, well now that stings! What does he mean by that snide remark?

“Now you need wading boots. “What size are you in men’s?” David asks

You mean NO WOMANS boots either? Now I am getting mad. What is wrong with this sport? Don’t they think that woman want to lay in the muck, shoot firearms and make animals drop out of the sky? It is no wonder that men think woman whine. They would too if they had to walk around with a wad between their knees while their feet sloshed around inside a boot. It makes a Gurl want to go out and kill something.

“I need a 7 narrow, please.”

“ They are all one width.” David says.

“You’re kidding! No width distinction either?”

Back on the floor, I struggle to pull the wading boots over the wader booties. Wow, it is getting hot in here.

“No I am not having a hot flash.”

Sweat starts rolling down my temple.

“These boots are too big!”

Thank goodness, it would be too much if the boots were too small. Someone is going to pay if I get one of those humongous blisters.

Finally! Fully geared up, waders, wading boots.

“Oh Boy! David remarks, you look sexy Baby!”

“Really?”

“You guys are really dumb.” Says Max

Maybe it was all worth it then. All of sudden ….I feel like I am going to pass out.

Back down on the floor I begin peeling off the boots. Hurry Hurry. As a wave of nausea comes over me. Then I remember, perhaps it was that all beef jumbo foot-long hotdog smothered with onions that I had at Home Depot…….it is lodged in my throat.

“David, help me! Grab the heel, would ya?”

“Now the booties………Whoa Pony! Wait. My pants are coming off with the waders.”

Sliding on the floor holding my pants, David peels from side to side working the waders down past the thigh section, I mean pockets.

“Mom, Okay that is it! I am going to go over to the basketball section!”

“Almost got it Honey! Just one more, good yank”.

See if a woman designed these things, and they were beaver lined, they would slide right off. Or maybe a nice invisible side zipper to give one that extra wiggle room. But Nooo, no one thinks about what a woman wants, do they?

Finally………..Success! Those glad wrapping, creature proof, prene thigh sucking, neo Nazi, fowl wading, gender discriminating pants are liberated off my person. There should be a warning on the box that says………DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS AT HOME ALONE. ASSEMBLY REQUIRES TWO PEOPLE.

Godspeed & a Giggle